Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Stan & Ollie go voting

Here we are, more than two months on, and I still can't wrap my mind around what happened on Election Day 2004. I can come up with only one plausible explanation, which is something like this:

Ollie: Well, Stanley, I just voted for the next President of the United States: John Kerry!

Stanley: Gosh, Ollie. Voting certainly is important work, isn’t it?

Ollie: It certainly is, Stanley. Now it’s your turn. Enter the booth and pull lever one for Kerry.

Poll worker: Excuse me, sir, but electioneering ain’t allowed in polling places.

Ollie: Well, I was just trying to help my friend here…

Poll worker: He’ll have to make up his own mind. You can’t tell him who to vote for.

Ollie: All right, but I will tell him who not to vote for. Can I do that?

Poll worker: Okay, mister. You can do that.

Ollie: Very well, then. Stanley, get in the booth.

Stanley: All right, Ollie.

Ollie: And whatever you do, don’t pull the lever for Bush!

Stanley: Right, Ollie. Um… Ollie? Lever four is not Bush. It’s someone called Peroutka.

Ollie: No, Stanley! Lever four is not Bush! Lever two is Bush!

Stanley: But Bush only has one lever, Ollie.

Ollie: Well, don’t pull that one! Do what I told you to!

Stanley: Don’t pull lever one, pull lever two.

Ollie: Two is for Bush, so don’t pull it! Pull one!

Stanley: All right, I’ll pull one, but two is not four. They’re each different people, Ollie.

Ollie: I know that! Don’t pull the lever for them!

Stanley: All right, Ollie. Don’t pull lever four.

Ollie: Yes, Stanley. Don’t pull lever four. Now, do you know which lever you’re going to pull?

Stanley: You said pull lever two, Ollie?

Ollie: No! Pull one, Stanley!

Stanley: There’s only one lever two, Ollie, so I’ll pull it.

Ollie: Stanley! No! Here, let me show you…

Poll worker: Sir! You can’t enter the voting booth until it’s vacant! Please step back or I’m calling the cops!

Stanley: Ollie! Which lever shall I pull, now?

Ollie: The lever I told you to, Stanley!

Stanley: Got it! You told me two!

Ollie: Well, I’m glad I finally got you to vote, Stanley. Democracy is what makes this country work so well, you know.

Stanley: And I’m glad I got to pull lever two, just like you said.

Ollie: Lever two?! Stanley, you voted for Bush!

Stanley: I did? I’m sorry, Ollie! I was trying to vote for Nader!

Ollie: For Na—? Well, this is a fine kettle of fish!

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