Thursday, January 12, 2006

Jack Abramoff: Sometimes the good guys wear black hats

I’m getting a little tired of all the attacks I’ve been hearing on Jack Abramoff. He’s really a good guy, a generous person, and a victim of what? Success, that’s what. We keep hearing about how he bought congressmen out and sold Indians down the river, but for those of you who don’t understand the way America works: we’re a capitalist society, and we all have the right to acquire whatever the market will bear.

All Jack did was a little influence peddling. So what? That’s the way things have been done in Washington. The Democrats do it, too, so that must mean it’s okay. Sure, the Democrats haven’t done it as much as the Republicans, not even remotely, but now that we’re caught, those bastards have to go down, too.

It’s like this: suppose you were starving, and you stole a loaf of bread. Would it be right to send you to jail for that? Of course not. Now suppose you were starving and you coaxed a lot of money away from some Indian tribes and bought a skybox that you set up for the congressmen that you bought to use. Would it be right to send you to jail for that? Obviously not. Which begs the question: why is the liberal media able to get away with this?

Tom DeLay’s K Street Project was an innocent enough venture. Mr. DeLay just wanted to move his causes around a little. The fact that it was designed to dry up all the money and influence on the part of any party but his own is irrelevant, because the Democrats did that, too. Or they would have. If they’d thought of it first. I bet. So they’re just as guilty. Look in your hearts, America. You know it’s true.

What really hurts me about what they’re doing to Tom DeLay and his friends is what a success story Tom is. He went from the lowest form of life there is—a vermin-killing exterminator—to a great statesman working tirelessly on behalf of vermin everywhere. What a redemption! Tragically, Tom’s and Jack’s and many others’ greatest talents and attributes have been turned against them, in an ironic use of Karl Rove’s grand tactic of attacking one’s strengths instead of their weaknesses. All that talent, wasted and ruined by partisan interests, and why can they get away with it? Just because using that talent is illegal. And that, my friends, is the real crime around here.

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