Friday, November 02, 2007

News from the future: troops to stay in Iraq past Nov. 1, 2057.

PITTSBURGH (Nov. 1, 2057) — General Roscoe Plunkett announced today that American troops would not be pulling out of Iraq, though one of his predecessors, General John Abazaid, set today as the Iraq pullout deadline in 2007. "If General Abazaid were alive today, he'd agree with me," Plunkett said. "We need to stay in Iraq until the mission is finished."

In a prepared statement, President George T. Bush announced that although he had promised to reconsider keeping troops in Iraq while campaigning last year to succeed President Chelsea Clinton-Biden, "The mission is not through. I will leave this in the hands of the generals." President Bush denied that this is just a continuation of President Clinton-Biden's policy, declaring "Chelsea advocated Kurdish statehood. I don't. Kurdish troops must leave Iraq now." President Bush reiterated that he would not permit administration of Iraq by the Arab Republic or the Arab Caliphate. "The governments in Cairo and Mecca need to butt out. We're fighting to win. We're fighting for freedom. We're fighting for as long as it takes."

With crude oil prices topping €700 per barrel last month, the American economy looks unlikely to pull out of the thirty-year depression which has been worsening since it began during the presidency of Jenna Bush-Putnam. Even if crude prices fall after the Iraq War is over, it's still expected that petroleum income will cover the costs of rebuilding Iraq's infrastructure during peacetime, particularly if Secretary of Energy Lenny Rove's plan to convert the solar oxygen generators in the EU's Martian colony of New New Amsterdam is adopted by Europe's government. "Europe has not been pulling its weight in Iraq," Rove said. "Helping to increase the price of oil is the least they can do." This plan has met with some criticism from Americans, particularly in light of this summer's story of a Denver man who mortgaged his house for two full tanks of gasoline.

"Once we win in Iraq," President Bush said, "petroleum from that country will meet our needs, provided we also start drilling in Alaska's Arctic National Swim Beach." Oil drilling in the ANSB is still protected, due to the continued obstructionism by both liberals in Congress.

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