Thursday, June 24, 2010

Our next two presidential elections: a preview

Of course everyone wants to know what the next presidential election's going to look like. That's not a hard thing to figure out; all you have to do is read this blog. Specifically, you have to read this post. Then you'll be prepared to talk intelligently about everything there is to know about the 2012 and 2016 elections. You're welcome.

2012 primary season

Iowa caucuses: Sarah Palin wins. Everyone is surprised; Palin is our next president!
New Hampshire primary: Mitt Romney wins. No one is surprised; he's from the state next door (Massachusetts).
Michigan primary: Mitt Romney wins. No one is surprised; he's from Michigan.
Florida primary: Mitt Romney wins. Everyone is surprised, since Sarah Palin came in so close. She's our next president!
Nevada caucuses: Mitt Romney wins. No one is surprised; he's from the state next door (Utah). Plus, you know, all those Mormons.
South Carolina primary: Sarah Palin wins. Everyone is surprised! She's our next president!
Super Tuesday, 2012: Mitt Romney clobbers Sarah Palin everywhere except in the South, where she wins. Talk turns to the deep, irreversible divisions in the Republican Party.
Mitt Romney wins the nomination. Everyone is surprised. Sarah Palin was robbed!
Mitt Romney chooses a conservative Southerner for a running mate. Maybe Haley Barbour. Bobby Jindal doesn't want the job. Go figure.
Election Day, 2012: Mitt Romney loses to Barack Obama in a landslide. No one is surprised.
Speculation begins: is 2016 Sarah's turn? Our first woman president!
Election Day 2016: Sarah Palin has secured the Republican nomination for president. Will we finally have a woman president? It's Sarah's turn! She and running mate Scott Brown are poised to make history!
January 20, 2017: Jeanne Shaheen sworn in as our 45th president. SarahPAC gears up for 2020.
Epilogue: The torture never stops.

Now you are prepared to speak intelligently about American politics for the next six years. Go forth and dazzle. Amen.

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